It's a Choice

As you all know I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. And this journey has been wrought with choices and decisions, failures and triumphs, sorrow and joy.

I've been up and down, up and down, bigger and smaller. And I've never reached my goal. But I have hit small milestones that I will forever hold dear.

As I have been on this Journey for the last year, I have discovered so much about myself.

I am:

• Stronger than I thought
• Happier the more I move
• Able to drink half my body weight in ounces (or close to it) and not die
• Able to run and not die
• Prettier the thinner I get (I know it's egotistical, sorry)
• Able to admit that I like myself
• Getting better at putting myself first
• Getting better at saying "NO" to the food that calls my name
• ABLE to achieve so much more than I ever thought

Getting healthy and losing weight is about choices. PERIOD

I choose:

• What goes into my mouth
• How my body moves and how often it does so
• How to react to stressful situations (FYI choosing food is the wrong choice)
• What time I go to bed (this is very important and hard for me, since I am a night owl at heart)
• How much water I consume
• How much TV I watch
• The people I'm around
• HEALTH

So often (and I am guilty as well) we dwell on what we've done wrong. How we've failed. And we allow this to decide things for us. We let it derail us from our goals. We let it push us down until we forgot what we were doing and where we were headed in the first place.

WHY?!

Why should we let a little thing do this to us?

DON'T!!!

Come with me?!

Join me on this Journey?

I will help you. I will motivate you and you can motivate me. We can keep each other on track. Not by judging or by guilt but by being there. Being helpful, meeting somewhere to walk. I'm still really slow, so I won't be pushing you too hard. Pulling each other out of the gutter we fell down in.

It's a choice, it's YOUR choice. But I'm here.

My road is still long but it sure would be nice to have company as I travel.

My Decision

I have noticed a trend in my blogs recently.

They are so very sad and full of frustration.

So I have made a decision......no more. I am going to talk about real things but I will try my best to put a positive spin on them.

Admittedly, we have been through a lot this year. I personally have been struggling with many things but it's time to pull up my big girl panties and move forward.

We will soon be taking our first real vacation in 4 years. We are taking our family to the happiest place on earth...Disneyland!



I have never been there and I'm looking forward to it.

It will be a time to reconnect with our kids and attempt to bring us closer as a family.

We both work so many hours and it seems, at times, that we are missing a huge part of our children's lives. So much so, that I have

decided not to pursue a nursing degree. I am happy where I am.

Oh sure, nurses make way more money than Medical Assistants. But I like my job. And I may change my mind later. But for now, I

just need to be happy where I am.



I just want to spend as much time with my babies as I can. Because one day they will all be grown up and living their own lives.

And I don't want to miss a moment.

My letter to you

I remember hearing grandma get the call that you were on the way. We piled into the car and headed to Salem. I was too young to go in and see you, being just 6 years old myself. But when your parents brought you to our house, I was so enamored by you. You were so little and I was so happy that they let me hold you. Of course I had to sit on the couch with an adult lurking close by, like I ever would have dropped you! You had such white blond hair and brilliant blue eyes. Right then I knew that my love for you was special. You were more than a nephew to me. You were like my own little brother, a baby for me to play with.



Your parents were always really good about letting you come and visit us in the summer time, even after they split up. You always wanted to play with me and your laugh was so wonderful to hear. We never went through any of the "annoyance" that other Aunts and nephews who are so close in age may have gone through. Nope, not us. We loved being together and you were always so mature for your age.

I could always have such great conversations with you. I honestly think you are smarter than I am, and have been since you were little. I loved visiting your house and going wading in the creeks. Checking your craw-dad traps and watching you laugh at me for not wanting to touch them. I remember all the great trips to the beach, and the time we went to Fort Clatsop. You and Jenny looked so cute in the buckskin coats they let you try on. And the time when I buried you and Jen up to your necks in the sand! I was afraid we wouldn't get you out of there.



And then, before I knew it, you were grown up. Graduating high school and heading to the military. That scared me to death. I was so worried you would get injured in Afghanistan. I was so happy that you chose to be a grease monkey and stay out of the direct fighting. And you came home to us, in tact. I am so proud of you for serving your country.

Then you married the love of your life. And she is a beautiful girl. And I love watching you together. CM was a true blessing. He is so much like you and so full of life. I love that we have babies the same age, but sad that we live so far apart.

The AJ came along and wow she is so beautiful. And a true spit fire.

I'm so glad that I came to visit last summer. Seeing the life that you made for your family made me so proud I can't even express it. You grew up to be such an amazing and beautiful man. You make us all proud. You've been there for your entire family through moments that are beyond anything a kid your age should endure. Being the eldest of 5 children, you were never the annoying brother. Or the one that would tease your younger siblings. You were the best big brother anyone could have asked for. Let's face it, you were the best at everything.

Maybe that's why you left us so early.....

It's inconceivable to me that you aren't here anymore. And I don't understand it. Nothing about it makes any sense to me at all. And I can't imagine how KJ feels. Or CM. Or AJ. Or my big brother. We are all heartbroken and devastated.

It's not fair that you aren't here and I admit this is shaking my faith. Because I can't see how this benefits anyone. There was no reason you can't be here. You should have been allowed to grow old with your love. To see your children grow and graduate high school and college. To be able to stand with your son as he marries, to be able to walk your daughter down the aisle as she does the same. To hold your grandchildren in your arms and cry tears of joy at the wonder of them.

But you don't get to do that. And my heart is split open with grief.

Your laugh has been silenced, your brilliant mind stopped, your beautiful eyes closed and the boy I've loved since his birth.......gone.

People may think that I'm taking the death of my nephew too hard. But they don't get it do they? You and me.....we had a special relationship. You were more like my little brother. Being only 6 years apart, we connected on a different level.

Oh how I miss you. And I cherish those last moments I got to hold your hand and pray for you. I asked God not to take you, I asked Him to heal you. I don't know why He didn't answer my prayers. Maybe I didn't pray hard enough.

I regret not asking that nurse if I could get closer to your face. I would have kissed your forehead and whispered I love you in your ear. You knew how much I loved you right? I hope you did, because I will still tell you no matter what. I don't know if you can hear me or not. Nobody really knows what happens when we die. But I'll tell you anyway.

I promise I will tell CM and AJ about you. I'll tell them the stories only I know. I'll share my memories with them. Your family will make sure they know who their daddy was, as will their mommy. She will need us all now. And I promise you I'll be there for her, if she wants.



So, goodbye my sweet boy. May you rest in peace and I'll see you and hug you again one day. And we will have new adventures and long conversations.

I love you,

Your Aunt Sandi

A brick wall

WTH????

I have hit a wall. Here I am talking about re-starting and getting my groove back and I can't seem to do it.
Why can I not get past this?

I want it.

I need it.

I know I would be better and healthier.

WHY WHY WHY?????

I have some kind of mental block that I can't seem to get past.

I know I have to do it. I WANT TO DO IT!

But why can't I seem to kick start once again?

When I started this journey almost a year ago, it was so easy to get started. My mind was 100% on board.

But since I took my little "break" I am having such a hard time.

And not only with the food that I know will make me healthier but also the exercise, I can't seem to do it.

Anyone who tells you that weight loss and  a healthy lifestyle is all about moving and getting active, is wrong. It's 100% a mental game. If you can't get your brain to work properly, then you are doomed for failure. You have to conciously change your mind set.

Basic willpower is eluding me as well.  Most of last year I was a champion at resisting most unhealthy things. I rarely "cheated" and it showed.

But now? I feel so much shame about it too.

And I think the toughest part is that I know I can do it. It's just convincing myself that I can.

Cool Mom?!

Being the "cool" mom.

For my fellow Mom's, I think this is an eternal struggle.


I've always wanted to be the cool mom.



Growing up, my mother was NOT cool. Oh, she was amazing, but definitely not cool. At least not to me. To my friends, she was.

I had some friends with really bad moms, normal moms and then the one cool mom. She was the younger one, the one who seemed to dress in our style and drove a cool car. Not our broken down POS or my BFF's moms wagon thing. No, she was cool. And they seemed to have more money than us, granted everyone had more money than we did. And she's still a cool mom to this day.

I want to be a cool mom. I want to be that mom that my children's friends talk to without being embarrassed. That they like to be at our home because it's comfortable. And that they don't mind having around, even if my child does.

I've made it a point never to purposely embarrass my children in front of their friends. I think it's in bad taste. Oh, I'll correct them if needed (especially Miss ME, with her a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e) but I will not embarrass them.

Working in pediatrics I see a lot of other mothers struggling with this very issue, and I worry for them and their children.

See there's a difference between being a cool parent and trying to be your child's friend. Too many of these mother's think that by being cool you have to be their friend.

My children know that I am their MOTHER first and their "friend" second. Friends come and go but Momma is always here and I will whip your butt if you think for one minute that it is anything less that my God given responsibility to make sure that I raise good people for this world. They have friends, what they need is a MOTHER!

These other, misguided people need to get a clue. BE A PARENT! You can hang out with your teenagers and still make sure they are acting appropriately.

We have recently had a string of girls in our practice that seem to think it's cool to attempt to get pregnant. Most are between the ages of 14 and 18. And try as we might we can not convince them that a baby will not fill this void that they have. The love that they are seeking is usually from a parent. Now none of those parents want to hear that but it's true. If your child is seeking love in the wrong places they must not feel like they get enough from you. Now, I'm not saying that all teen pregnancies are a result of this. I have several people in my life who got pregnant as teenagers, I'm not talking about all teen pregnancies, I'm simply talking about the ones who WANT to get pregnant at such an early age and take the necessary risks to make it so.

And please understand, I'm not saying anyone is a bad parent, I'm simply saying there must be something going on (and maybe they are unaware of it) that is making today's teens seek this situation out.



Now, could I eat my words and have my teen daughter end up pregnant? Sure. I pray not, but I can't predict the future. I try to keep the lines of communication open with my teen daughter and am starting early with my 7 year old daughter.

I have always been very honest with my children. Being in the medical community I think this helps. If my kids ask me a question, I answer them. When ME was 3 and wanted to know how babies ate, I told her the truth. When I was pregnant with NA, and the younger kids asked me how he was going to get out of my tummy, I told them the truth. When my oldest asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity, I told her the truth.

Why not?

They deserve to hear it from me, and I'm sure not going to lie about things that they might learn (incorrectly) from friends at school anyway. I talk to my oldest about birth control and why it's used. I have talked to her about safe sex and about waiting until you are mature enough to enter into a sexual relationship. I've talked to her about drugs and alcohol, boys and school. And I will have these same conversations with her siblings.

This is, in my opinion, the definition of being a mother. I'm RAISING my kids. I'm not just going to work and letting someone else raise them. I'm debunking all the myths they will hear from their peers before they hear them.

But I still want to be the cool mom.

"COOL", what does that mean? And why do we always want to be cool? And who sets the bar?

In high school most people wanted to be cool. I was in high school from 1989-1993. Cool years. It was the end of big hair bands and the beginning of grunge. Country music became cool and I believe the lines between who was cool and who wasn't was blurry at best. Someone I've known since the 3rd grade once told me that he wasn't cool in high school and I laughed hysterically. Because to me and my close friends he was the coolest boy in our grade, and he didn't even know it. (I'm still baffled by that) So if the "cool" kids in high school were unaware they were cool then who's drawing this line in the sand?



My opinion........we are. In our little brains we are deciding what's cool and what's not. It's our own personal perception. And we have to decide for ourselves, especially as adults, what a cool parent looks like.

WE DECIDE, not our children. WE DECIDE.

I believe a cool parent looks like this:

1. I make sure they look as nice as they can in clothes that are in style. No prairie dresses for my children
2. I make sure they study and do their homework. College is a step in life not a choice.
3. They have to eat well. If you feed your body garbage it will smell like a garbage can.
4. They have to do chores.
5. I tell them NO
6. Their friends are always allowed in our home.
7. They spend time with their grandparents and they respect them, as they do all people of age.
8. My boys are taught to hold open doors for ladies, yes, even their sisters.
9. My girls are taught they can be strong women and do anything they put their minds to, but boys should still be the ones asking them to go on a date or be their girlfriends (some exceptions apply)
10. They go to church. God is the one man they have to know to survive.
11. I discipline them when needed. And yes, this does include spanking if needed.
12. They take care of their pets.
13. I teach them that drinking as a teen is not OK, and as an adult it should be moderated.
14. DRUGS WILL RUIN THEIR LIVES
15. I tell them I love them multiple times a day
16. I hug them as often as I can
17. I read to them and do their homework with them
18. I let them get loud, dirty and obnoxious
19. I love their father with all my heart and I (try) to respect him always, especially in their presence.
20. I listen to them, even if I don't like what they have to say.

I could go on and on but you get the idea.

So do I get the award for being a cool parent? Only time will tell. And my children are the only ones who can award me that honor. Because when it comes down to it, it's only their opinion that matters to me.

#23 A re-start

I am starting over!

I have strayed way too far off the path and I need a reset button. Sort of fitting since it's a new year and all.




So truth be told, I have yo-yo'd about 5-8 lbs over the last few months. I hit 50# and then suddenly hit a wall. My determination turned off, I quit exercising and went right back into old habits.

THIS SUCKS!

So the result of this is not just weight gain, but my mood plummeted, I've had zero energy, zero enthusiasm, and I started to just plain feel cruddy.



This is not who I want to be. This is not supposed to be what this journey is about. It's supposed to be about success, about triumph, about a sexier body or at least a smaller one.

Oh sure, I lost 50 #, I know,  I KNOW!!! But still, it feels like I'm a complete failure.

Plus it did not help that I couldn't afford my food. And I am still really struggling with regular healthy food. As I have said before in previous posts, I don't do veggies. What most people deem healthy, usually is not appealing to me.

And as I sit this year and watch another installment of the Biggest Loser, I have to admit that I'm proud to say that I am not as heavy as those people are. Not anymore.

So now what?



Well as I told my health coach........

I need a new start.

A RE-START

I need to get back into that same mindset I had at the beginning. I need a new "before" picture. I need my food (which is currently on it's way) and I need to STOP EATING CRAP! Stop watching so much TV and START moving again.

#22; New Beginnings

2013

A new beginning.


I am a firm believer that New Year's resolutions are impossible to keep. They are too big and unrealistic.

So I will be more determined this year.

More determined to make better choices for my family, my health and my finances.

I will make sure to relish in those times that are precious and few.

I will choose healthier food and movement over an electronic device or program.

I will shop with a purpose and pay bills on time.

I will spend more quality time with my children.

I will dance like nobody's watching.

I will save money.


I will systematically purge my home of items that are broken or un-needed.

I will kiss my husband every day, more than once.

I will tell my children I love them, many times a day.

I will pay off at least 2 debts this year.

I will read my Bible every day (or at least try).


I will work hard.

I will play harder.

I will love even harder.

These may look like resolutions but they aren't. They are determinations.

I am determined to be better.

For me, my husband and my kids.

BETTER!!!